Depression and the invisible fight for your life
On a recent Monday morning, she had to go to the hospital. Life isn’t easy right now and her depression saw an opening and snuck back into our lives. As my dad described it later in the day, “It’s just like having a cold.” With a little care, rest, and a lot of love from her family, my mom is already getting better.
My mom is not broken, weak, or sad all the time. That’s not how depression works. My mom is a strong, happy woman who has been married for 40 years to the love of her life. She was a special education teacher for many years and she’s raised four kids.
She has stood by and relentlessly cheered each of her children on as we grew up to be an economist, an editor, a social worker, and a future architect.
She is by no means cowed by her depression. She is the strongest woman I know.
Two weeks ago, we lost designer Kate Spade on Wednesday. On Friday, we lost the great chef Anthony Bourdain. Both so well-loved by so many. Their public suicides seem to have been the result of a battle with mental illness.
Their deaths have drawn a spotlight not only to them, but also to the terrible reality that we have no idea what a person is going through. Some things we just can never know or understand.
However, what we can do is try to better understand depression.
Depression is a disease just like any other. Those who have it aren’t “crazy” and they can’t just decide to “get over it.” For some, it’s ever present. For others, it only sneaks up occasionally. It’s not embarrassing to admit if you’re struggling to fight it and it’s not wrong to ask for help.
My mom’s fight against depression hasn’t always been easy to see, but its effects have defined our family for more than 30 years. For many of those years, I didn’t understand why she was this way.
I accepted her as she was, but was often too harsh when she had hard days. However, as I’ve grown up, I’ve come to better understand how she fights it and how important it is to keep trying to understand how it works.
While my mom is getting better, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain are gone. We can never know how much they suffered, but what’s worse is the blank space they’ve left behind.
As the days go by, we’ll continue to see and remember the wonderful things that Kate and Anthony gave us. They will be sorely missed. But just as we will always remember them, we must also remember and be open about what they fought against.
It will do us no good to pretend that mental illness is no big deal. Rather, my hope is that these deaths encourage more people to speak out about their own battles. As these losses have shown us, we have no idea who is suffering.
To those who find themselves overcome by the bad days — you are not alone. You are not crazy. You are not a burden. It’s OK to struggle. There is help. Don’t be afraid to take care of yourself.
To my mom: You’re not in this by yourself. Thank you for being so brave. I love you.
